Mom and dad are angry. Why is
that? It’s because their fifteen-year-old son just walked out the door and only
grunted when they said, “Have a nice day.” They’re thinking, “So what are we,
chopped liver?”
In
the third edition of Surviving Your
Adolescents, I offer some specific advice to these parents. The advice
begins with what a major attitude
adjustment. The adjustment begins with realistic sympathy for this mom and this dad: Their
teenager’s behavior is unpleasant and
inconsiderate. At first glance, there seems to be no reason for this snub. Mom
and dad wonder what they did wrong.
On
the other hand, though unpleasant, their teen’s behavior is normal and it is
not a sign that they (mom and dad) did anything
wrong. Teens all over the world are treating their parents the same way: snubbing
the older folks as well as scaring them with regard to potential problems such
as driving, drugs, alcohol, sex and tech involvement. Regularly snubbing parents, however, doesn’t mean the teens are
screwy. Distancing themselves from parents is one way for the kids to manage a
horrendously long, drawn out and insulting adolescence that wasn’t their idea
in the first place. On top of that, adolescents have a ferocious desire to run their own lives.
So
you’re the parent of an adolescent. What are you supposed to do with this kid? A
solid new job description for you will depend on some bad news and some good
news. Let’s take a look at both.
The Bad News
The bad news has three parts.
First of all, when your kids were little, you certainly worried about their
behavior, but not as much as you do now. Why? The stakes seem to be higher at
this point. It’s drinking and driving now vs. the toddler who got out of bed
then. It’s sexual behavior now vs. not eating all your dinner then. Drug taking
vs. sibling rivalry, and so on.
Second,
while your anxiety level has risen due to the increased severity of the
possible behavioral consequences, your control has dropped way down. When the
toddler got out of bed, you were there to do something about it. When the
youngster wouldn’t eat her dinner, you were physically present and could come
up with some way of dealing with the refusal. Now, however, it’s different. The
teens, if they want, can tailgate while driving the car. They can have sex if
the opportunity presents itself, experiment with marijuana or access porn sites
on the web. You can no longer physically stop them; you are no longer The
Director.
Third,
if you want to see things change, to the extent that you can still affect your
kids’ behavior, you will have to
change first. The teens have too much on their plate, and they will not reach
out to you. That’s just the way it is.
The Good News
That was the bad news; now the
good news. First, most teens don’t
kill themselves or others while driving, get addicted to drugs, get pregnant, get
STDs, or have disastrous encounters with technology. Even if you did nothing
intelligent about your relationship with your kids, odds are they would not be
ruined by their behavior.
Second,
research seems to show that your differences with your kids are not as
revolutionary as you might think. On the one hand, for example, it appears
teens are more affected by their peers in matters such as dress, appearance,
musical tastes, friendships and their treatment of adults. On the other hand,
however, parents have more effect on an adolescent’s basic life values, such as
kindness, hard work, ability to follow the rules and cooperate with others,
effort and courage. Parents also significantly affect a youngster’s educational
plans.
Third,
in spite of their behavior, teens still care a lot about what their parents
think of them and of how they’re doing with the gigantic tasks involved in
growing up. That’s one of the sad things about parents who simply snub their
kids right back. Irritated, rejected moms and dads don’t show appreciation or
encouragement for a teenager’s hard work. And yes, hard work (in fact, very
hard work!) can involve something as straightforward as getting out of bed and
showing up at school for a history test with a pimple the size of Mt. McKinley
in the middle of your forehead.
Finally,
in the good news category, research has repeatedly confirmed that teens do best
and get hurt less frequently when parents a) maintain some reasonable type of
behavioral monitoring and b) maintain as open and as friendly a relationship
with the adolescents as possible, as opposed to a hostile and distant one. So,
though it isn’t always possible (and yes, sometimes it is too late), a new job
description should be geared toward these two goals.
A New Job Description
Here is a five-part outline for
the profession known as parent of adolescent:
1. Don’t Take It Personally: By and large, teens’ aggravating behavior
(rejection and risk) is not directed at you, their parent. This behavior,
instead, is the result of adolescence itself. Understand that and your angry
reaction will change.
2. Manage and Let Go: Teens may say they want you to totally leave them
alone. Too bad. Some reasonable monitoring is still required, but you also need
to know when to keep your mouth shut and let the kids handle their own lives.
3. Stay in Touch: Once you’ve gotten the urge to snub the kids back out
of your system, how do you relate to someone who won’t answer a simple question
like “How was your day?” First, you avoid the Four Cardinal Sins and second,
you employ four simple connection-building strategies.
4. Take Care of Yourself: If life isn’t treating you too well, you’re
the last person in the world who should be trying to “manage” a worrisome teen.
How do you know if your negative emotions come from the kid or from yourself?
You don’t, so you’d better deal with yourself
first.
5. Relax and Enjoy the Movie: Handle items 1-4 reasonably well and
maybe you’ll be able to calm down, let go and enjoy—most of the time,
anyway—the unfolding of your adolescent’s life.
Your primary
goal is no longer to control your
teens. Your goal is to help them become competent adults who leave home,
establish new relationships, contribute something to the world and who enjoy
life. If you can get past the worry and irritation caused by The Snub and the
threat of risk-taking, your hope for your kids might be that they get the most
out of their existence and that you can enjoy them in the process.
I
hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never
settle for the path of least resistance
Livin’
might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’
Lovin’
might be a mistake, but it’s worth makin’
I Hope You Dance, Lee Ann Womack
To
do your part you’ll have to let go of your former director role and ease into
more of a consultant position. That's the new job. The teen is going to be
doing most of the work, with the assistance, hopefully, of a positive
relationship with you.
Adapted from
Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage & Let Go Of Your 13-18 Year Olds,
3rd Edition by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. © 2012 (available both as
a book & an audiobook). Nationally recognized as an expert on child
discipline and Attention Deficit Disorder, Dr.
Phelan has practiced for over 25 years and he appears frequently on
radio and TV. Over 1,300,000 copies of 1-2-3
Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 books, videos and audiobooks
have been sold (Spanish versions are also available). Visit your local
bookstore for Surviving Your Adolescents,
1-2-3 Magic or any of Dr. Phelan’s
other books, or call toll-free 1-800-442-4453 or visit www.parentmagic.com.
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